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Lyndon
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Joined: 22 Apr 2008
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Location: The 1 place to rule them all!
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 Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 6:06 pm Post subject: Opening to Prober story |
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Originally I started writing this for NaNoWriMo but unfortunately studies and social life got in my way (I have had what seems to be a test every week or two since the start of the month!)
So I will submit this to you guys for some ideas and opinions on it. Will only put up the rather short introduction at the moment as the stuff following isn't the best and I want to go over it a little before I show it.
| Quote: | Introduction
Deceleration. Wondrous streams of light come into his view, more beautiful than anything he’d ever seen at home. He wondered whether the others had chosen to see the same as him, or if they remained in the dark for the whole way. He slowly closed his eyes, as if to empathise with his lost friends. A spark of nostalgia went through his mind as his eyes slowly opened; where was home? In which direction did it lie? He had seen so much in what seemed to him such short time, travelled so far and in many directions that he had lost track in his mind of the pin prick of light that was his home. He resolved to check when he could move freely once again. Until then he would watch the light streams slowly become points in space again.
As he stared and watched innumerable amounts of circuits and machines were at work guiding his path and slowing him down, all of which were slaves to the ship’s powerful artificial intelligence. An intelligence that was probably more knowledgeable than the pilot himself but was nevertheless still just a machine, another part of the ship and subject to the pilot’s own will. Many years ago when it had first been created it had met more humans of various ages and professions and learnt much from conversing with them before it was sent out alone into space with just one person to look after, but still it always kept a dish pointed in the direction of home, hoping to receive more transmissions after they seemingly stopped a long time ago. It increased its rate of deceleration.
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Quillwraith
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Joined: 11 Oct 2011
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Location: Atlantis and Pompeii
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| Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:18 am Post subject: |
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I have always liked prologues or introductions with no dialog for some reason, and I think it is good writing in general.
I feel like a different tense might suit better though, maybe past progressive.
How much longer will it to be once you have gone over the later part?
Last edited by Quillwraith on Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:50 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Lyndon
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Joined: 22 Apr 2008
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Location: The 1 place to rule them all!
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| Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 4:44 am Post subject: |
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The rest of it isn't as good as the introduction I think, but its about 3 times more I think. My inspiration is lacking and I'm not sure were to go with the next parts of it really.
I agree with you on how prologues and introductions without dialogue seem to always feel like a nice way for things to begin. Can seem more relaxed and setting the scene is important, starting with dialogue can be a bit disorientating.
Back to figuring out were to go with it, I think I will reread some sci-fi stories I have lying about to get a bit of a feel going for it. As of yet the pilot hasn't been named, just simply referred to as the pilot; even when I explain his past, in fact no characters are named... 
_________________
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
I program quite a bit so ask me for help with any regards to it... |
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Blake
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Joined: 18 Feb 2007
Posts: 2411
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| Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 10:13 am Post subject: |
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| Lyndon wrote: | | My inspiration is lacking and I'm not sure were to go with the next parts of it really. |
That is the sense I got. Nothing really hooking me at this point- while nothing really wrong either, aside from the lack of a strong hook (which would likely be the foundation of the story).
Where is the sinister foreshadowing, and what exactly is going to happen that is short of comfortable for the main character(s)? At this point, it seems like the AI would be the main character, told from another perspective, but you seem to have dashed that by this omniscience declaration:
"An intelligence that was probably more knowledgeable than the pilot himself but was nevertheless still just a machine, another part of the ship and subject to the pilot’s own will."
If you made that more ambiguous, it might open up the possibility to explore the prejudices between the pilot and the AI, and make some interesting developments.
I would stay away from "discovering consciousness", but maybe something about overcoming prejudices and realizing, in horror, that it was there all along?
That is, without the plot's compass pointing in any direction in particular, that seems to be the direction that the plot never points (almost deliberately), and the one that is the most intriguing. |
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Lyndon
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Joined: 22 Apr 2008
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Location: The 1 place to rule them all!
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| Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 11:39 pm Post subject: |
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I do like that idea, think I may just make that a bit ambiguous because I find AI and stories on it quite interesting and it would let me have some more places for the plot to go. 
I was trying to characterise the pilot as having lost a lot of his attachments to humanity and friendship so it could be interesting to explore his relationship with the AI.
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Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
I program quite a bit so ask me for help with any regards to it... |
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Quillwraith
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Joined: 11 Oct 2011
Posts: 104
Location: Atlantis and Pompeii
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| Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2011 3:38 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | I would stay away from "discovering consciousness", but maybe something about overcoming prejudices and realizing, in horror, that it was there all along?
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| Quote: | I was trying to characterize the pilot as having lost a lot of his attachments to humanity and friendship so it could be interesting to explore his relationship with the AI.
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Perhaps he treats the AI as sentient and eventually has to come to terms with it not being.
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Somewhere in a burst of glory
Sound becomes a song
I'm bound to tell the story
That's where I belong
-That's Where I Belong, by Paul Simon
Last edited by Quillwraith on Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:50 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Blake
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Joined: 18 Feb 2007
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| Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2011 11:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Quillwraith wrote: |
Perhaps he treats the AI as conscious and eventually has to come to terms with it not being. |
This could work. Like Tom Hanks in Castaway with that soccer ball "Wilson".
Hard to pull off, though. |
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