 |
conworlds.com
A Community of Worldbuilders
|
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Lyndon
Conjurer
Joined: 22 Apr 2008
Posts: 151
Location: The 1 place to rule them all!
|
 Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 7:40 pm Post subject: Old First Contact Segment |
 |
|
This is a short story (or kind of introduction) I wrote when I was at school a few years ago, I think I got an A on it, although that's probably not a refelection on how good it actually is but here it is anyway, this is before I even heard about Conworlding I think 
It's about a first contact situation I can't find any notes I had on it at the moment though (which is shocking, I have a Sherlock Holmes-esque filing system).
Enjoy and CC.
| Quote: | As you reach into your backpack you feel the cold of the wet SOCOM you were given by the tech guys at SIS headquarters. “What are you getting out mate?” says the boats captain. He is a short, silver haired elderly man with plenty of laugh lines across his face. The question sounded rhetorical to you although the other on the boat wished to know. “Yeah mate…” says the apprentice in a thick cockney accent. “Nothing…” you reply hastily, “Just checking if I still had summen…” you add.
The apprentice was tall and lanky and, as many would have called him, a yob. You had reviewed the files of everyone that you would get involved back at SIS headquarters. And his criminal record was full of arson, threatening and the other usual things a young man could get involved in.
You tensed your muscles, in preparation for the oncoming wave. It splashed you.
You were not fully prepared for it and as a result your backpack came loosely off of your back and landed into the cold, grey ocean. “Damn storm.” comments the apprentice as he walks past you.
“Damn It!” you yell as you prepare to dive into the ocean to get it. “ Hold on mate!” says the boat’s captain, “This part of the Atlantic is very choppy and, there be strong currents that could sweep you further east.” As the silver haired captain continued to lecture you about the safety of the ocean an large object began to appear in the distance.
“What the bloody hell is that!” screams the apprentice as he looks around to you.
“That, my friends…” you say calmly, “Is what we came for.”
* * *
“But, what is it?” You wonder. It looks unlike any jet plane or aircraft you have ever seen or heard of. Its long smooth orb like shape reminds you of a whale but, it is to big to be anything organic.
SIS headquarters that it would probably be some sort of secret American prototype plane or, as it was referred to, a “Black” project. You were told this and it made sense since the US didn’t want the British to get involved.
“That’s, that’s… what is that?” inquires the silver haired captain, “Besides, I mean, the thing we came for.”
You look at him hesitantly and he sees the message upon your face, “I don’t know.”
As the boat progresses towards the object you begin to tense your muscles again and stretch in preparation for getting closer.
A sudden thought crosses your mind, what if this object was not in fact man made but, organic? And then another, what if this object is from another planet? You dismiss both of this thoughts and head towards the apprentice who is sitting on top of a crate. “Can I, use your phone?” you hesitantly ask. “Sure mate, ain’t got much credit on it though mate.” he replies whilst reaching into the pockets.
Several seconds later he reveals the top brand model mobile phone.
You begin to dial the number,
0
You wonder if you shouldn’t ring.
8
You disregard your last thought
00
You begin to dial more loosely on the phone.
832
You then dial the last four numbers in a secret fashion.
“Hello SIS, Morison, how can I…” you interrupt the voice with the words “Agent 35.”
The code words are automatically picked up by a computer.
The phone rings for several seconds.
“Huh? What?” says an altogether different voice to the last.
“Emm… Ma’am…” you hastily say. “Oh! Its you” she replies. “is the mission going well?” she asks.
You begin to pace the altogether small deck of the boat.
“Well…” You pause, “I lost my pack.”
“Lost it? How are you calling?” she bellows into the phone, “On an unsecured line, that’s how!” she screams. You suddenly realised that she had been speaking rhetorically.
“Any chance of an airdrop?” you inquire quietly.
“No chance.” She replies quickly.
You shrug the last few comments off and then describe the object in detail.
* * *
“Hmm…” she pause and you hear the sounds of someone scrambling over a computer keyboard. “Your bags tracer seems to be stationary onboard this object.”
“Oh that’s good.” you reply as you stop pacing.
“No its not!” she concludes, “What if the crew have it?”
“I saw no hatch.” you respond.
“Just be careful. Your unarmed.” she replies and then the line dies.
You’ve always thought that Melissa, the head of your department, was a little bit rude but couldn’t help thinking that she had just given you some invaluable guidance.
As you stepped over to the apprentice who had been patiently waiting for the return of his phone you suddenly realised that if he knew that you were talking to SIS and had proof your cover could be blown, so, you decided to fake a fall.
You fake a slip on the deck and realise the phone from your grip into the cold grip of the grey ocean. “Hey is he all right?” inquires the captain with his glare still stuck on the ever closing object.
“He all right? Is he all right? What about my sodding mobile!” screams the apprentice in a rage.
“Sorry,” you say, “the decks slippery from the rain. don’t forget I lost my backpack.” You hastily add.
“FULL STOP!” cries the captain.
* * *
Your attention suddenly shifts to the object which is now directly in front of you. “Bloody hell! That’s massive!” cries the apprentice in his thick cockney accent.
“That’s the biggest thing I’ve ever seen!” states the captain, who then walks towards a grey crate.
He opens the crate easily.
He then takes out 2 harpoon guns and a large pistol.
“Is that legal?” You ask.
“It’s the bloody ocean!” Interrupts the apprentice who then takes a harpoon gun from the silver haired captain, who then chuckles at his apprentice’s comment.
You then walk over to the captain and take the pistol. It is a revolver, you are unsure of what kind but it is fairly large. The captain then hands you a box of bullets for it which, you reluctantly accept and stuff into your wet pocket.
“What about you?” You inquire,
“Oh, I’ll stay here with my harpoon gun and trusty Desert Eagle.” he replies and then pulls out the pistol from under his coat.
“Well? Lest go!” screams the apprentice.
You and the apprentice step onto the object, it feels cold and rough, even under shoes.
* * *
“Whoa summen strange is going on ‘ere” states the apprentice.
You notice something as well, you can’t quite put your finger on it but it is there, looming in the shadows waiting, waiting to reveal itself.
You and your partner slowly stroll across the perimeter of the overly sized object. You note that a lot of it seems submerged but not intentionally.
After about twenty minutes you see it, sat idly on top of the object, about 20 yards away. You lift up your revolver, confused thoughts rushing through your head. You slowly and cautiously begin to approach it. Your partner follows you, he too seems to sense something odd about the bag so far in on this object that it couldn’t have been washed there.
He begins to speak but you turn quickly and gesture to him to shut up and stand still.
“Not long now,” you think to yourself. “only about 10 yards.”
On your final approach to your bag you see many tears and rips on it, as well as an assortment of items that you were carrying. You glare at the mess that is now your pack.
You note that your SOCOM seems to be missing and must still be within the bag.
You cautiously reach for it.
“Hwwer…” You spin round, gun high, only to realise that your partner has completely disappeared. The only remnants you can see is his unfired spear gun.
Your heart begins to pound, your adrenalin begins to pump as you turn back and face his killer.
* * *
Its large yellow, circular eyes stare at you. Your vision is almost fixed on them.
The only other thing you can make out about this massive creature are it’s large scissor like claws.
It blinks.
Your hold on the revolver tightens.
For the split second when it had blinked you had diverted your attention to its two claws, and noted the blood trickling down and off of them onto the slick object beneath your feet.
An eternity passed before your thoughts became something else besides terror.
You had been right in that stupid idea of aliens and spaceships.
“Is this a dream?” You thought to yourself, “No it can’t be.” you kept on telling yourself this.
Fifteen seconds passed.
The creature blinked again.
This time you were prepared, you glanced over all of the beast’s body. It had to two claws dripping in red blood, 2 giant yellow eyes that were now shut, no apparent mouth, and a long pointed tail trailing behind it. It was orange in appearance but shifted colour to grey and back again.
It opened it’s eyes.
Your glanced fixed on them yet again.
“Very odd.” you thought, it did not seem to enjoy the rain of the Atlantic, nor the sea.
“Very odd.” the one thing the Earth had an abundance of yet the creature did not seem to have come for it.
The eight foot monster blinked again.
* * *
You feel in immense pain.
You collapse onto your knees. “Arggh!” you scream.
The pain is in your head, nowhere else. Like no headache you have felt before.
It stops.
You look up to were the creature was.
Nothing.
It is not there. Because of the impossible slickness of the object there isn’t a trace of the blood.
You dart your eyes around searching for anything or anyone besides the bag.
You see nothing except the sea and the object you are standing on. No boat. No monster.
Then suddenly you are bombarded with a voice greeting you; “Hello.”
* * *
“Were did it come from?” you think.
“I’m sorry about your friends.” apologises the voice, the same voice.
“Wh-at?” you say in confusion. The voice is coming from nowhere, almost as if it were your own thoughts.
“I’ll show myself only if you drop your weapon.” says the voice.
You dart you head round searching for its owner.
“You can’t see me.” states the voice very politely.
“How do I know I can trust you if I cant see you?” You ask out loud.
You looked some more. Still nothing.
“Because I stopped that monster from taking you too.” answered the voice.
You were running out of options. You stepped forward and dropped the revolver.
As the revolver hit the floor the corpse of the deceased monster reappeared along with a shorter cyan coloured one behind it.
You begin to think soothing thoughts.
“Do not be afraid.” says the voice, echoing through your mind.
“I am not.” you reply.
“In your language I would be know as Zed.” states the voice which, you identified as being the blue creature in front of you.
“Our ship was sent through an anomaly in space and crashed here.” explains the voice.
You nod gently.
“The one you just encountered was a convict we were transporting to a penal colony…” continues the voice.
“What about the boat?” you ask.
“The convicts escaped and stole it along with your crewman...” replies the voice. “Our race has the ability of being able to read others minds and talk through them, we can also make ourselves appear to be invisible.” says the voice.
“Do you know why the USA didn’t want me to be sent here?” you ask.
“Indeed, I asked for there help and did not realise that there were other great nations.” answers the voice.
“I guess we should wait for them…” you state. |
_________________
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
I program quite a bit so ask me for help with any regards to it... |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Nugan
Sorcerer
Joined: 04 Jan 2009
Posts: 389
|
| Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 12:36 am Post subject: |
|
|
Shit, feds are coming. 
I like your decision to opt for 2nd person narration. That is a tense that does not appear often enough in fiction (outside of Camus' The Fall, anyway).
I also like the fact that you use a lot of terse, concise sentences. It definitely adds to the tension of the plot. The dialogue is also effective, for the same reason.
Cockney accents are, of course, always awesome.
The wreckage of the spacecraft (that's what it was, right?) could use a bit more description. I'm still not totally sure what it was, what it looked like, or why all the characters were so mystified by it. Zed and the alien monster could also use a touch of polish.
_________________
| Hugo Dyson wrote: | | Oh fuck, not another elf! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Lyndon
Conjurer
Joined: 22 Apr 2008
Posts: 151
Location: The 1 place to rule them all!
|
| Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:50 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks! Yeah reading over it, they could use some more description, but I always find it hard to manage descriptions into stories without sounding like I'm describing something for the hell of it.
I like second person but it can be hard to keep it flowing! It can work pretty well if you try to immerse the reader into the world you have made (I'm so surprised that I haven't read any Sci-Fi story in it!).
_________________
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
I program quite a bit so ask me for help with any regards to it... |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Elyador
Newcomer
Joined: 11 Apr 2010
Posts: 18
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 5:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
I think it's pretty good. I enjoyed reading it. It was interesting and fun.
I agree with Nugan about your use of choppy, short, scentences. It really does help contrubute to the urgent, tense tone of the story. I also liked the way the narration was done in past tense so close it was almost present tense. For some of the same reasons as the abrupt scentences worked so well, but also because it kept the story movin quickly from one event to the next and not dwell too long on any one thing.
But I must admit, I'm not such a fan of the 2nd person narration. It kept catching me off gaurd and pulling me out of thhe narrative again. It's not because you handled it badly--on the contrary, you did a better job of it than most people I've seen try it--It's just that 2nd person narratives always annoy me. That may be a very subjective reaction, but I know that It is a fairly common one.
Also, if I were you, I'd add more detailed description of certain things (especially the aliens and thier ship), just for clarity's sake. There were several places in this story that I found myself unable to pictire what was going on without reading the scentences three or four times. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
chiarizio
Mage
Joined: 23 Jun 2007
Posts: 1047
Location: Bungula Qintaurion, Toliman
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 16, 2010 9:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Nugan wrote: | | I like your decision to opt for 2nd person narration. That is a tense that does not appear often enough in fiction |
"2nd person future" is rarest, I think. "3rd person" is more common than "1st person" is more common than "2nd person", and "past" is more common than "present" is more common than "future".
-----------------------------
And, yeah, I liked it too.  
_________________
"We're the healthiest horse in the glue factory" - Erskine Bowles, Co-Chairman of the deficit reduction commission
-----------------------------
I am also eldin raigmore. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group
|
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Register
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
